Digital Splash 2017

Opening (not so much looking) forward (to):

I have mixed emotions or lack off when it comes to photography shows or any sort of show in general. On the positive side of the dirty, chipped, cracked, half empty glass of life… it is a chance for those I can tolerate and refer to as my friends to be reminded just how great I am and more importantly how lucky they are to know me. I like to think an hour in my company makes everyone else feel better about their own everyday lives.  Sadly for others, but great for me, I am not particularly great when it comes to people in general, moreover ones whom think they should strap every piece of photographic equipment to their backs with the sole intention just to see how much they can annoy me by constantly turning about forcing it into my face!

I approach my weekends the same way as I approach life… just one breath at the time and then just roll with it. Often the optimist, I look forward to waking up on a Saturday & Sunday morning sometime between 09:00-12:00, spend about 20 minutes pondering the previous nights thoughts about an episode of ‘Murder She Wrote’ where Jessica Fletcher, of British origin, gets selected for jury service in America, but ends up solving a crime thats been solved and taken to court but further solves the solved case then switching my thoughts to deciding if I should really get out of bed and use the lavatory before I wet the bedsheets.

However, this weekend I had to change my usual weekend routine in order to do a good deed. I rarely make any effort to do good deeds, contrary to popular belief, they don’t enrich or give you a sense of fulfilment or happiness… it’s just like waking up on Christmas day realising that there is nothing happy about spending a considerable of money on gift wrapping paper just for some brat to rip it apart and that after 30 years you still have not been bought that Action Man you wanted when you were 10.

Liverpool Lime Street station was closed for refurbishment, which for some, made the journey into the city centre a little more awkward than normal for the sort of person who’s only excitement in life is hoping the rail service is running late enough so they can claim their fares back. I, being the rarely kind, not so much considerate person I am, I decided to pick up a GeriGrumpy en route to Liverpool Exhibition Centre which was hosting this years Wilkinsons Camera’s ‘Digital Splash’ event.

I should at this stage point out that i’ve not had my usual daily dosage of bacon or jam… so to keep my mind off it, I decided to give Father Christmas, or Matt as we fondly call him from time to time some words of comfort over his forthcoming stage interview and meeting of ‘the public’ on various street photography walks he was doing for the event. Ok, ‘words of comfort’ isn’t technically the phrase I should have used. If anything, my aim was to remind him what it is like to speak in front of a large crowd with all eyes fixated on him.

Once parked at the venue (Level 3, bay 35 by the lift) Father Christmas and his giant Lidl sack of slack roundness was sent off in the direction of the Exhibition Centre while my main priority was to forage the length of the waterfront for my fix of bacon and maybe a sausage or two. You often hear people saying “I found a little gem of a place…” but what they really mean is they couldn’t be bothered to walk any further than necessary. Well, I found this little gem of a place around Albert Dock called ‘Gallery Cafe’ only this gem of bacon and sausage on that none-sense sort grain/seed bread cost £4.70

Filled with bacon and somewhat between twilight stage of hungry grumpy and normal grumpy I decided I best head to the show itself.

For those that have visited Liverpool, clowns are a common occurrence and something that you do not often give a second glance at but then I realised that alongside the photography show there were also people dressed as their pixelated hero’s ranging from teenagers to full grown adults who’ve probably not seen a ladies bits since the time of birth. Apparently, this is called Cosplay and has nothing to do with foreplay with a Ford Cosworths exhaust pipe. On entering the venue I was asked if I was attending ‘Comicom’ to which I could only respond with a somewhat sarcastic “look at me, do I look like I am going to Comicom?” but then it did kind of dawn on me that I, like the nerds would probably consider a lady accidentally brushing against me in a crowd as a short lived relationship.

When you enter a photography show, everything just becomes a blur and you really only see the camera brand you use or should use. It is always nice seeing those wide smiles and white teeth of the Fujifilm team, ready to be jumped on by the members of the public who’s sole intent is to ask the most annoying of questions or the Nikon shooter who’s camera is a representation of his or her’s man-bits that they like to think they have tucked away in their Dunlop branded under pants.

We have a rule that whoever turns up last to an event is the one who gets selected to be mocked for the day. Given that Jim’s bus travels faster than Warren’s three legged donkey from Widnes, sadly, this is usually Warren… although, we did go easy on him as he had to make his own Dairylea slice sandwiches.

Over a expensive coffee, we evaluated Jim’s new mobile, a modern wonder of technology and cheap copy of the iPhone 7+ we quickly established that he could now take two out of focus photographs at the same time with the dual cameras. During the course of the conversation, Jim relived the time he was talking to a old gentleman who turned out to be an astronomer… what we learned from this pointless story is that after 84 years, this astronomer had learned that the big white thing in the sky at night was called ‘a moon’.

On the podium of round pointlessness we watched some guy doing a sit down robotic chair dance before heading off for food at Miller & Carter steakhouse.

Some things I learned about Miller & Carter:

01. Food comes on a roofing tile and in a giant thimble.

02. You can ask for a plate.

03. The taps are scouse, or scousers are amazed at running water so brand them ‘Boss’

04. Cows can form queues